Friday, January 20, 2012

Inward War of Wills

It’s an inward war of wills, I suppose, that battle between what we think is best, and what we want.  Whether it’s a promise to make a boss respect our work more, or a promise to make a relationship better – it is that inward war between the brain and the heart.  The message is usually the same: try harder, try harder, and try harder.  I told someone once that if you have to always try harder, what you are trying to fix is probably not all that good.  This is true with Emily, in Pages in the Wind, when she desperately tries to make her relationship with her father better.  Her intentions are good, and her efforts are vigilant but unfortunately the results will prove barren.  Why? Because what she is trying to fix is inherently broken on the other end.
Father took Robert’s hand and Robert pulled dad toward the door, anxious for breakfast.  Father looked back at me, and said “come on Emily, time for breakfast.” I guess that he knew I was there after all. Not wanting to get in trouble for disobeying orders; I got up and walked toward the house.  I couldn’t help but take one last look at the brick path, but somehow I still saw it as a yellow brick road leading to a magical place if only I could find it.   I squinted, blinked, and closed my eyes trying to see the red brick path that father had built, and not the yellow brick road that I built in my mind.  Just try harder, Emily, there is no yellow brick road, there never was, remember? Try to be happy and stop looking for more.  With the vow clearly in mind, but the yellow brick road clearly in my heart; I followed Robert and father into the house for breakfast.                                                                                           
Emily’s brain is more in sync with her heart than she realizes.  She knows that something “isn’t right” but societal norms give her the message that she should have a good relationship with her father.  She’s too young to pin the blame on anyone except herself, which of course is a ripe breeding ground for later insecurities.  I wonder, have you been in a situation where you tried harder, and tried harder and finally realized that the battle was lost before you started?